Feeling used ; but I’m still missing you

I took a sleeping pill last night and ended up sleeping the entire day, I woke up to my friend standing over me. I haven’t seen her since last week but she ended up getting the apartment she wanted and moved in today, She came to get the rest of her things and to give me my spare keys. When she left, I looked at my phone I had Nineteen missed calls and Seventeen of them were from so I naturally thought something was wrong. I also had two messages from him so I looked at those first before I called him back, the last message from him said I guess this means goodbye.

I did call him back and He didn’t believe me when I said I was sleeping all day, I don’t know maybe He thought I was with someone and just didn’t want to talk to him. The reason we are no longer together lies on him, two days before my 33rd birthday I found out that he cheated on me, at first he said it happened back in April but a couple of weeks ago his story changed and He said it happened back in March. I still don’t know when it really happened or for how long it was going on. The only reason he even told me is because the girl, is pregnant and she apparently doesn’t know who the father is between D and her boyfriend.

When I first found out, I tried so hard to forgive him and continue our relationship as if, he never broke my trust. I couldn’t, I can’t. I am so freaking hurt and mad at him for ruining us, we had been together officially for a year but really for three years. When he cheated he was staying with me in my apartment, we were basically living together and the fact that he went and had sex with his girl without using protection and then came and slept in my bed next to me, like he was being faithful is very disrespectful to me.

He was the first person I was with after my ex passed away in 2013, I am just so hurt and completely frustrated. I have a couple of people I talk to, female wise, offline and they both know how upset I am but both of them are in relationships and are probably sick of me venting about this. At this point I am not sure who I can and can not trust, I’m not sure if I ever want to be in a relationship ever again, I’m not sure of anything.

I have been listening to I hate you, I love you – Gnash on repeat for the last couple of days, I have a friend Darrin who is currently in jail for doing something completely idiotic, he’s been writing me and his letters are making me really uncomfortable, I know he likes me and wants a relationship with me but I do not look at him like that, so I haven’t written him back.

He wants me to ask his mom if she will take me to see him, he’s in a different county then I am in and I am thinking about going to see him, if nothing else then to tell him to his face that we will never be in a relationship. I have told him before, in many different ways, I don’t know maybe I’m not speaking English.