Writers block and life in general

I recently received a letter from social security that my disability case is under review, to my knowledge they haven’t reviewed my case in the past so I suppose I am due but it still scares the crap out of me. At this point disability is my main source of income, I use it to pay my rent and the rest of my monthly bills so getting cut off suddenly is a major problem and scary as hell for me. I haven’t worked since 2007 and frankly being forced to go out and maintain a full time job is just scary, part of my major fear is that having panic attacks (not to be confused with anxiety attacks) in a public setting that I will have to push through and stay in, in order to keep a job is not something I have dealt well with in the past.

I have gotten much better then I was, in the past in 07-08 because of the panic attacks I was faced with on a daily basis left me pretty much house-bound for over a year and I was diagnosed back then with agoraphobia because being around large crowds sent me into freezing up and getting out of the situation quickly. I still don’t do well with large crowds and pretty much avoid concerts and festivals because of it. However I can now go to the grocery store without freaking out, which was near possible for me in that time in my life.

I have things I do to make money online that doesn’t effect my disability and affords me extra money to spend on things such as books and things I like that I can’t afford with my check every month….extra things. I have been looking into working from home in a way where I can get off disability once and for all. So that has taken up much of my free time.

I also have been suffering from a great deal of writers block, I really want to complete a book this year and have been trying to work through my annoyance with not having any ideas.

I am not going to promise to blog more because I don’t keep promises, those who know me well with nod in agreement with this statement.

New layout

I don’t know if anyone even comes here anymore but I thought the site deserved a new look, so here it is. I hope I can start to blog more in the coming months, I have lost motivation to blog or have anything to do with anything online period. I have fallen behind in everything, sorry.

Goals for 2017

I try not to make new years resolutions because I never keep them but instead I make goals, My goals for this year are to complete a book and self publish and to lose weight. I already lost twenty pounds without trying and I have about 40 to meet my goal weight left.

I haven’t really been blogging and I want to change that and try to blog every week, I don’t really do much so I don’t really have a whole lot to talk about.

Things have been really stressful as far as me not talking to my family and with Christmas on Sunday, I spent thanksgiving alone for the first time ever and I don’t know what is going on with Christmas. I have reached out to my mom a couple of times and she’s text back but my step father does not want to talk to me at all and my mom is backing him. I have been trying to keep busy but have been pretty depressed and haven’t felt like blogging or being around anyone period.

A couple of days ago I found a desk that someone was throwing out while I was taking my trash out and my friend Nancy and I somehow got it upstaris to my apartment.

 – It was free and I needed a desk for my computer.


When I first moved in here I moved in with a bed, my laptop, a tv and my clothes and that was it. The last couple of months someone gave me a coffeemaker, a microwave and stand & a toaster for free – different people.

I ordered a mousepad from amazon today, I had a gift card balance so I used it up on a mousepad but it won’t be here until after the new year.  I am hoping things will get better after the new year.

Good Morning

Sorry that I haven’t been communicating with you all lately, I have been really depressed because of the holidays as my family and I aren’t speaking and it looks like De is once again out of the picture. Nancy helped me a lot the other day, she went and bought me some food and has been a listening ear for me. I haven’t been talking to Stacey, she’s been acting different since her boyfriend has been home. I called my friend Charity last night and talked to her for awhile, we made plans to spend new years eve weekend together and she is coming to my house for the weekend.

She is staying with her dad until she find a apartment and we have been friends for about four years but haven’t hung out in awhile. We are supposed to go downtown on new years eve, they have a free concert/ball drop thing every year and we went 2012/2013 and it as a lot of fun. I want to get on some income based listings for some apartments, I live in a very small studio apartment and although everything is included in my rent it is still 600 a month which is most of my disability check and I want to find something bigger that is based on my income.

I need to get back into counseling and I want to find a new doctors office but I can’t do anything until January when I am able to buy a bus pass. I hate where I go to the doctors now and I want to try to get back into elmwood health center where I used to go, I was kicked out for to many missed appointments. I just called elmwood health center and they won’t take me back but I found another doctors office and I made an appointment for February 20th.

I’m not doing much of anything this weekend, Nancy told me she may be able to get a ride to the grocery store to get me a couple of things…I made her a list but she hasn’t text me back yet. We are under a snow storm warning, but so far Buffalo hasn’t gotten any snow, the south towns got a ton…I heard.

So sorry

I have been neglecting this site, I know, story of my life. D and I are back together, I don’t think I will ever, truly be completely done with him.

There was another death in my building this past Friday, that makes three this year. A lot of us are still reeling from his death and no one was expecting this, to tell you the truth. I am going to try and design something new for my site, I haven’t really been on the computer that much.

Feeling used ; but I’m still missing you

I took a sleeping pill last night and ended up sleeping the entire day, I woke up to my friend standing over me. I haven’t seen her since last week but she ended up getting the apartment she wanted and moved in today, She came to get the rest of her things and to give me my spare keys. When she left, I looked at my phone I had Nineteen missed calls and Seventeen of them were from so I naturally thought something was wrong. I also had two messages from him so I looked at those first before I called him back, the last message from him said I guess this means goodbye.

I did call him back and He didn’t believe me when I said I was sleeping all day, I don’t know maybe He thought I was with someone and just didn’t want to talk to him. The reason we are no longer together lies on him, two days before my 33rd birthday I found out that he cheated on me, at first he said it happened back in April but a couple of weeks ago his story changed and He said it happened back in March. I still don’t know when it really happened or for how long it was going on. The only reason he even told me is because the girl, is pregnant and she apparently doesn’t know who the father is between D and her boyfriend.

When I first found out, I tried so hard to forgive him and continue our relationship as if, he never broke my trust. I couldn’t, I can’t. I am so freaking hurt and mad at him for ruining us, we had been together officially for a year but really for three years. When he cheated he was staying with me in my apartment, we were basically living together and the fact that he went and had sex with his girl without using protection and then came and slept in my bed next to me, like he was being faithful is very disrespectful to me.

He was the first person I was with after my ex passed away in 2013, I am just so hurt and completely frustrated. I have a couple of people I talk to, female wise, offline and they both know how upset I am but both of them are in relationships and are probably sick of me venting about this. At this point I am not sure who I can and can not trust, I’m not sure if I ever want to be in a relationship ever again, I’m not sure of anything.

I have been listening to I hate you, I love you – Gnash on repeat for the last couple of days, I have a friend Darrin who is currently in jail for doing something completely idiotic, he’s been writing me and his letters are making me really uncomfortable, I know he likes me and wants a relationship with me but I do not look at him like that, so I haven’t written him back.

He wants me to ask his mom if she will take me to see him, he’s in a different county then I am in and I am thinking about going to see him, if nothing else then to tell him to his face that we will never be in a relationship. I have told him before, in many different ways, I don’t know maybe I’m not speaking English.