I know what you want

Last night I got a text from someone I hadn’t spoken to since before new years eve, the girl I had plans with to hang with on that day that canceled on me. She started off ranting to me about how she needed to find a new place to live, now months ago before I went through the bullshit I went through with the last friend that needed a place to stay from me and ended up doing all kinds of drugs in my house and stealing from me. This “friend” wanted to come stay with me and I said No.

I don’t like when “friends” just pop up when they need something from me, I told this girl to go and find her own way like I did three years ago. Yes, I did crash with some friends, then I went to a motel and I got my own. It may have been with roommates, but I was paying my own way and eventually I got my own apartment (not the way I would have chosen for myself) but I did.

I’m not dumb, I know where she was going with her text at midnight last night…..not going to happen, I told her there were openings in my building but she didn’t want to move here and I told her why. My apartment is not a a homeless shelter, she’ll have to struggle just as I did. Call me a bitch, whatever I stand by that I am a bitch when I feel like I am being used for something.

Bored with life & with drama

I am bored with this blog, the site in general and my life to be frank, which is why I haven’t been blogging and why my site hasn’t any visitors (besides from fanlisting owners who come to check that I’ve linked back) and I want to do something about that. I am planning a complete overhall, hopefully to be completed by mid-month or this weekend (depending on if I can’t sleep and have enough coffee in me).

I have reached a point in my life where I am considering stopping communication with certain female people I call friends, I have never had so much drama in my life (in that department anyways) before I moved into this hell hole that they call an apartment building.

The building itself is not worth what the landlord charges for it, they don’t allow pets but that’s okay because the building comes with mice….yes for 600+ you too can have a small studio with everything included + mice. The landlord doesn’t care and will do nothing besides providing traps that don’t catch shit. Besides that I have been here a little over a year and seven people have died since I moved in, I believe the grim reaper is taking up residence here.

Now back to drama, there is this girl that moved in over the summer R and I have a friend N who is hates this girl on the sole fact of …… her man was in R’s face, I don’t have a problem with R at all and I think she is a very nice girl who has been nothing but kind to me. N comes to my apartment every morning and wants to unload drama (talk shit) about R and a mutual friend of ours S and I don’t like drama….I have very few female friends because of this.

I have held my tongue for long enough and next time N mentions R or S in anything drama like I am going to snap.

Needed to vent, Thanks.

Good Morning

Sorry that I haven’t been communicating with you all lately, I have been really depressed because of the holidays as my family and I aren’t speaking and it looks like De is once again out of the picture. Nancy helped me a lot the other day, she went and bought me some food and has been a listening ear for me. I haven’t been talking to Stacey, she’s been acting different since her boyfriend has been home. I called my friend Charity last night and talked to her for awhile, we made plans to spend new years eve weekend together and she is coming to my house for the weekend.

She is staying with her dad until she find a apartment and we have been friends for about four years but haven’t hung out in awhile. We are supposed to go downtown on new years eve, they have a free concert/ball drop thing every year and we went 2012/2013 and it as a lot of fun. I want to get on some income based listings for some apartments, I live in a very small studio apartment and although everything is included in my rent it is still 600 a month which is most of my disability check and I want to find something bigger that is based on my income.

I need to get back into counseling and I want to find a new doctors office but I can’t do anything until January when I am able to buy a bus pass. I hate where I go to the doctors now and I want to try to get back into elmwood health center where I used to go, I was kicked out for to many missed appointments. I just called elmwood health center and they won’t take me back but I found another doctors office and I made an appointment for February 20th.

I’m not doing much of anything this weekend, Nancy told me she may be able to get a ride to the grocery store to get me a couple of things…I made her a list but she hasn’t text me back yet. We are under a snow storm warning, but so far Buffalo hasn’t gotten any snow, the south towns got a ton…I heard.

Feeling used ; but I’m still missing you

I took a sleeping pill last night and ended up sleeping the entire day, I woke up to my friend standing over me. I haven’t seen her since last week but she ended up getting the apartment she wanted and moved in today, She came to get the rest of her things and to give me my spare keys. When she left, I looked at my phone I had Nineteen missed calls and Seventeen of them were from so I naturally thought something was wrong. I also had two messages from him so I looked at those first before I called him back, the last message from him said I guess this means goodbye.

I did call him back and He didn’t believe me when I said I was sleeping all day, I don’t know maybe He thought I was with someone and just didn’t want to talk to him. The reason we are no longer together lies on him, two days before my 33rd birthday I found out that he cheated on me, at first he said it happened back in April but a couple of weeks ago his story changed and He said it happened back in March. I still don’t know when it really happened or for how long it was going on. The only reason he even told me is because the girl, is pregnant and she apparently doesn’t know who the father is between D and her boyfriend.

When I first found out, I tried so hard to forgive him and continue our relationship as if, he never broke my trust. I couldn’t, I can’t. I am so freaking hurt and mad at him for ruining us, we had been together officially for a year but really for three years. When he cheated he was staying with me in my apartment, we were basically living together and the fact that he went and had sex with his girl without using protection and then came and slept in my bed next to me, like he was being faithful is very disrespectful to me.

He was the first person I was with after my ex passed away in 2013, I am just so hurt and completely frustrated. I have a couple of people I talk to, female wise, offline and they both know how upset I am but both of them are in relationships and are probably sick of me venting about this. At this point I am not sure who I can and can not trust, I’m not sure if I ever want to be in a relationship ever again, I’m not sure of anything.

I have been listening to I hate you, I love you – Gnash on repeat for the last couple of days, I have a friend Darrin who is currently in jail for doing something completely idiotic, he’s been writing me and his letters are making me really uncomfortable, I know he likes me and wants a relationship with me but I do not look at him like that, so I haven’t written him back.

He wants me to ask his mom if she will take me to see him, he’s in a different county then I am in and I am thinking about going to see him, if nothing else then to tell him to his face that we will never be in a relationship. I have told him before, in many different ways, I don’t know maybe I’m not speaking English.