Shopping and Reading

I’ve read and finished five books to add to my list.

In Love with dope boy 3 – Treasure Bee
In Love with a dope boy 4 – Treasure Bee
Hood Love – Leondra lerae
Hood Love 2 – Leondra Lerae
Hood Love 3 – Leondra Lerae

and I’ve done some shopping on amazon, I had 15 dollars worth of gift cards for amazon and didn’t want to buy any books, so instead I bought this and it should be here by next week. It’s has been sitting in my wishlist for a couple of weeks and has a lot of good reviews.

Why I don’t believe in…..

I will probably get some flack for this but I don’t follow a single religion, I do however believe in Jesus, I am Saved and have been since July 2005 and I have been baptized (this was my choice and something I wanted to do for me). I don’t read the bible as much as I should but I do pray and thank God for the things that are going good for me.

Growing up we weren’t taught to believe in anything, my parents gave us that choice and even though I never heard about God, I always knew there was one and I prayed a lot as a kid. After I became pregnant with my son, his father & his family were Christians and I decided to follow Christianity. However I do not agree with some things that are in the bible such as being gay is a choice. I don’t believe that, period and no amount of preaching to me will get me to change my mind. You can say I’m going to hell for that, it’s nothing I haven’t heard before.

I have had people tell me I’m not a Christian because I smoke and I’m not a Christian because I do this or do that. Christians I have met are the most judgmental people, they are the first people to tell you what you are doing wrong but are angry when people point out what they are doing wrong. For example there are some Christians that I know personally that will party on Friday & Saturday nights and then sit in Church on Sundays like their shit doesn’t stink.

A couple years ago I went to this church in my city and I also went to a womens bible study, now I ended up moving and didn’t attend the church as much and I decided not to go back when one of my close friends informed me that I was getting bad mouthed by women in the church whom I hadn’t spoken more then a couple of words with.

The only church I had ever felt comfortable in was the one I was baptized at, but it’s not in the city and I have no way to get there. There are certain things that have happened to me that “people of God” like to throw in my face and tell me how un-Christian I am, ya’ll can shove it.

There is only one person that can judge me, so the rest of you can pretend to be perfect on Sunday at Church and judge all you want. God knows who I am on the inside, He knows my heart and only He will judge me.

Another sleepless night

I guess tonight will be another sleepless night, it’s only 1:03am but I can feel it. For now the wifi connection is holding steady (if my rent wasn’t so expensive I’d have my own private wifi) even though a couple of hours ago it kept dropping and I was yelling, pissed. I saw there was a hit and run around the area that D lives in (around ten pm), so I sent him a text making sure he was okay and He just called me back (about a half hour ago). I am currently reading blogs (something I rarely do) and listening to music on Pandora.

My migraine is still holding strong, I wanted to read for a while (the first book I am doing for my reading challenge) from my pounding head is making it impossible to read via the kindle app on my phone.  I am getting a lot of visitors from Buffalo and it is making me kind of nervous that I know these people, say something…comment.

I am getting tired of the black/red combo, going to have to change that soon…maybe something more spring/summer like.

This is my life

Apparently in the last week or so, annoying neighbor number one has bought some new audio equipment and her boyfriend (with whom she argues on the phone with at four in the morning) hasn’t been seen in months and I liked it better when he was in there with her as she wasn’t as annoying. Yesterday afternoon I was in my apartment trying to watch a movie when suddenly my apartment was shaking and it wasn’t an earthquake. Just because the radio/cd player CAN go to volumes high enough to shake the building doesn’t mean it SHOULD. I will admit I was a little pissed off that I couldn’t hear my show so I yelled and my apartment stopped shaking.

Now it is four in the morning and normally I would be asleep right now and I’m thinking she just wants to annoy the shit out of me, maybe it’s because back in September said boyfriend came to my door at three in the morning for a cigarette and she thinks I did something with him, I don’t know, but I shouldn’t be able to hear her TV clearly at any time but especially not at FOUR in the morning.

I could complain but management doesn’t care, they have mice living here with us and the owner could care less so why would he care if someone is being loud in the middle of the night. You can get away with pretty much anything in this building;

Neighbors are arguing – okay

Neighbors are killing each other – okay

There is a hallway that everyone calls prostitute lane – seriously

 

As long as the owner gets his rent on time, he doesn’t care and if by some chance you have a medical emergency, I hope it won’t kill you because you’ll be dead by the time the police and ambulance get here. You’d get to the hospital faster if you walked.

I am so annoyed with this building and the people here, if I could move, I would. Last week I even thought about living with roommates again and I don’t have a good track record with roommates, if you live in Buffalo don’t rent at the apartments by the bridge that leads to another country. I heard management tracks down residents who say bad things about this building, maybe they are one of the six people in this damn city who stalks by blog.

Bored with life & with drama

I am bored with this blog, the site in general and my life to be frank, which is why I haven’t been blogging and why my site hasn’t any visitors (besides from fanlisting owners who come to check that I’ve linked back) and I want to do something about that. I am planning a complete overhall, hopefully to be completed by mid-month or this weekend (depending on if I can’t sleep and have enough coffee in me).

I have reached a point in my life where I am considering stopping communication with certain female people I call friends, I have never had so much drama in my life (in that department anyways) before I moved into this hell hole that they call an apartment building.

The building itself is not worth what the landlord charges for it, they don’t allow pets but that’s okay because the building comes with mice….yes for 600+ you too can have a small studio with everything included + mice. The landlord doesn’t care and will do nothing besides providing traps that don’t catch shit. Besides that I have been here a little over a year and seven people have died since I moved in, I believe the grim reaper is taking up residence here.

Now back to drama, there is this girl that moved in over the summer R and I have a friend N who is hates this girl on the sole fact of …… her man was in R’s face, I don’t have a problem with R at all and I think she is a very nice girl who has been nothing but kind to me. N comes to my apartment every morning and wants to unload drama (talk shit) about R and a mutual friend of ours S and I don’t like drama….I have very few female friends because of this.

I have held my tongue for long enough and next time N mentions R or S in anything drama like I am going to snap.

Needed to vent, Thanks.

Writers block and life in general

I recently received a letter from social security that my disability case is under review, to my knowledge they haven’t reviewed my case in the past so I suppose I am due but it still scares the crap out of me. At this point disability is my main source of income, I use it to pay my rent and the rest of my monthly bills so getting cut off suddenly is a major problem and scary as hell for me. I haven’t worked since 2007 and frankly being forced to go out and maintain a full time job is just scary, part of my major fear is that having panic attacks (not to be confused with anxiety attacks) in a public setting that I will have to push through and stay in, in order to keep a job is not something I have dealt well with in the past.

I have gotten much better then I was, in the past in 07-08 because of the panic attacks I was faced with on a daily basis left me pretty much house-bound for over a year and I was diagnosed back then with agoraphobia because being around large crowds sent me into freezing up and getting out of the situation quickly. I still don’t do well with large crowds and pretty much avoid concerts and festivals because of it. However I can now go to the grocery store without freaking out, which was near possible for me in that time in my life.

I have things I do to make money online that doesn’t effect my disability and affords me extra money to spend on things such as books and things I like that I can’t afford with my check every month….extra things. I have been looking into working from home in a way where I can get off disability once and for all. So that has taken up much of my free time.

I also have been suffering from a great deal of writers block, I really want to complete a book this year and have been trying to work through my annoyance with not having any ideas.

I am not going to promise to blog more because I don’t keep promises, those who know me well with nod in agreement with this statement.

Things have been really stressful as far as me not talking to my family and with Christmas on Sunday, I spent thanksgiving alone for the first time ever and I don’t know what is going on with Christmas. I have reached out to my mom a couple of times and she’s text back but my step father does not want to talk to me at all and my mom is backing him. I have been trying to keep busy but have been pretty depressed and haven’t felt like blogging or being around anyone period.

A couple of days ago I found a desk that someone was throwing out while I was taking my trash out and my friend Nancy and I somehow got it upstaris to my apartment.

 – It was free and I needed a desk for my computer.

 

When I first moved in here I moved in with a bed, my laptop, a tv and my clothes and that was it. The last couple of months someone gave me a coffeemaker, a microwave and stand & a toaster for free – different people.

I ordered a mousepad from amazon today, I had a gift card balance so I used it up on a mousepad but it won’t be here until after the new year.  I am hoping things will get better after the new year.

Good Morning

Sorry that I haven’t been communicating with you all lately, I have been really depressed because of the holidays as my family and I aren’t speaking and it looks like De is once again out of the picture. Nancy helped me a lot the other day, she went and bought me some food and has been a listening ear for me. I haven’t been talking to Stacey, she’s been acting different since her boyfriend has been home. I called my friend Charity last night and talked to her for awhile, we made plans to spend new years eve weekend together and she is coming to my house for the weekend.

She is staying with her dad until she find a apartment and we have been friends for about four years but haven’t hung out in awhile. We are supposed to go downtown on new years eve, they have a free concert/ball drop thing every year and we went 2012/2013 and it as a lot of fun. I want to get on some income based listings for some apartments, I live in a very small studio apartment and although everything is included in my rent it is still 600 a month which is most of my disability check and I want to find something bigger that is based on my income.

I need to get back into counseling and I want to find a new doctors office but I can’t do anything until January when I am able to buy a bus pass. I hate where I go to the doctors now and I want to try to get back into elmwood health center where I used to go, I was kicked out for to many missed appointments. I just called elmwood health center and they won’t take me back but I found another doctors office and I made an appointment for February 20th.

I’m not doing much of anything this weekend, Nancy told me she may be able to get a ride to the grocery store to get me a couple of things…I made her a list but she hasn’t text me back yet. We are under a snow storm warning, but so far Buffalo hasn’t gotten any snow, the south towns got a ton…I heard.

Feeling used ; but I’m still missing you

I took a sleeping pill last night and ended up sleeping the entire day, I woke up to my friend standing over me. I haven’t seen her since last week but she ended up getting the apartment she wanted and moved in today, She came to get the rest of her things and to give me my spare keys. When she left, I looked at my phone I had Nineteen missed calls and Seventeen of them were from so I naturally thought something was wrong. I also had two messages from him so I looked at those first before I called him back, the last message from him said I guess this means goodbye.

I did call him back and He didn’t believe me when I said I was sleeping all day, I don’t know maybe He thought I was with someone and just didn’t want to talk to him. The reason we are no longer together lies on him, two days before my 33rd birthday I found out that he cheated on me, at first he said it happened back in April but a couple of weeks ago his story changed and He said it happened back in March. I still don’t know when it really happened or for how long it was going on. The only reason he even told me is because the girl, is pregnant and she apparently doesn’t know who the father is between D and her boyfriend.

When I first found out, I tried so hard to forgive him and continue our relationship as if, he never broke my trust. I couldn’t, I can’t. I am so freaking hurt and mad at him for ruining us, we had been together officially for a year but really for three years. When he cheated he was staying with me in my apartment, we were basically living together and the fact that he went and had sex with his girl without using protection and then came and slept in my bed next to me, like he was being faithful is very disrespectful to me.

He was the first person I was with after my ex passed away in 2013, I am just so hurt and completely frustrated. I have a couple of people I talk to, female wise, offline and they both know how upset I am but both of them are in relationships and are probably sick of me venting about this. At this point I am not sure who I can and can not trust, I’m not sure if I ever want to be in a relationship ever again, I’m not sure of anything.

I have been listening to I hate you, I love you – Gnash on repeat for the last couple of days, I have a friend Darrin who is currently in jail for doing something completely idiotic, he’s been writing me and his letters are making me really uncomfortable, I know he likes me and wants a relationship with me but I do not look at him like that, so I haven’t written him back.

He wants me to ask his mom if she will take me to see him, he’s in a different county then I am in and I am thinking about going to see him, if nothing else then to tell him to his face that we will never be in a relationship. I have told him before, in many different ways, I don’t know maybe I’m not speaking English.